Rock Bottom: begin the recovery climb. (NB: suicide trig)
Sept 7, 2013 19:54:22 GMT
BethH, paigewoodcock, and 1 more like this
Post by Michaela on Sept 7, 2013 19:54:22 GMT
I wanted to share with you three things that I did to begin the long haul back up from an overdose. I had hit rock bottom and my days primarily consisted of feeling that I was nothing, that life would never improve and suicide was the only option. Anything else just seemed too difficult and recovery seemed damned impossible! I felt that my life was already over, it just hadn't ended yet.
Seven weeks after I came out of hospital, I wrote in my journal that I felt good that day – for the first time in months I felt hope, that there was a possibility that everything would be okay, that I would maybe even beat this, maybe even be happy.
It was the first sign of change, the first step towards a different life. There was still a long long road ahead of me... but now I actually saw a road ahead, that a future was possible. And I listed three things that I had done to get there, before anything had changed:
1) Made a commitment not to attempt suicide again.
This one took me a while, but what made me able to do it is that I could see the effect it was having on my family and friends. Even though at first I couldn't do it for myself, I could do it for them, because they didn't deserve that. Things didn't immediately get better, I was still extremely suicidal, but I knew it wasn't an option, so I wasn't making plans. Find any reason you can and cling onto it. Recovery does eventually have to be for yourself, to be able to let go, but at this stage any reason is good enough, anything that helps you to resist. Family, friends, something you want to achieve. If committing not to do it seems too difficult at first, then give yourself a time limit – a year, a month, a week, a day if that is all you can manage. Once you've made that decision, it is permanent, so the longer you can put it off the better.
2) Tried to be kinder to myself.
Instead of ruminating on all of my failures, character defects, mistakes, eating behaviour, body, anything I said or did; stressing over everything; I tried to focus on the simple fact that suicide is permanent and therefore nothing is more important than staying alive. I could always (for example) retake that test, so anything that was stressing me out was just not worth it, as long as I made sure I was still here, then I could always come back to this stuff later.
3) Limited alone time.
Things are/were always at their worst when I was alone. That’s when the illness would take over with all the thoughts I had about being a failure, being worthless and the self harm and ED voice would have control. A lot of the time I would still feel bad when I was with people, but the voice was a little less intense and sometimes I could even be distracted for a little while. Apart from anything else, being with other people gave me no opportunity to indulge in all the self-destructive behaviours and ruminations.
It’s important to remember that things might not change straight away. As I did, you might have to persevere at these steps for weeks before you see any difference. And recovery is certainly not a smooth slope – even when things improve there will be many slip ups and setbacks, but that’s normal, so try not to lose hope.
My idea here was to give you something positive to do when recovery just seems like too big a mountain to climb and you have no will or energy to put into it. I hope this helps someone and I promise you it is SO WORTH IT!
Seven weeks after I came out of hospital, I wrote in my journal that I felt good that day – for the first time in months I felt hope, that there was a possibility that everything would be okay, that I would maybe even beat this, maybe even be happy.
It was the first sign of change, the first step towards a different life. There was still a long long road ahead of me... but now I actually saw a road ahead, that a future was possible. And I listed three things that I had done to get there, before anything had changed:
1) Made a commitment not to attempt suicide again.
This one took me a while, but what made me able to do it is that I could see the effect it was having on my family and friends. Even though at first I couldn't do it for myself, I could do it for them, because they didn't deserve that. Things didn't immediately get better, I was still extremely suicidal, but I knew it wasn't an option, so I wasn't making plans. Find any reason you can and cling onto it. Recovery does eventually have to be for yourself, to be able to let go, but at this stage any reason is good enough, anything that helps you to resist. Family, friends, something you want to achieve. If committing not to do it seems too difficult at first, then give yourself a time limit – a year, a month, a week, a day if that is all you can manage. Once you've made that decision, it is permanent, so the longer you can put it off the better.
2) Tried to be kinder to myself.
Instead of ruminating on all of my failures, character defects, mistakes, eating behaviour, body, anything I said or did; stressing over everything; I tried to focus on the simple fact that suicide is permanent and therefore nothing is more important than staying alive. I could always (for example) retake that test, so anything that was stressing me out was just not worth it, as long as I made sure I was still here, then I could always come back to this stuff later.
3) Limited alone time.
Things are/were always at their worst when I was alone. That’s when the illness would take over with all the thoughts I had about being a failure, being worthless and the self harm and ED voice would have control. A lot of the time I would still feel bad when I was with people, but the voice was a little less intense and sometimes I could even be distracted for a little while. Apart from anything else, being with other people gave me no opportunity to indulge in all the self-destructive behaviours and ruminations.
It’s important to remember that things might not change straight away. As I did, you might have to persevere at these steps for weeks before you see any difference. And recovery is certainly not a smooth slope – even when things improve there will be many slip ups and setbacks, but that’s normal, so try not to lose hope.
My idea here was to give you something positive to do when recovery just seems like too big a mountain to climb and you have no will or energy to put into it. I hope this helps someone and I promise you it is SO WORTH IT!
