Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2013 20:32:38 GMT
Hi folks I am a 43 year old father and husband. My problems probably started in childhood, I had periods of being withdrawn and not wanting to go out to play. Asthma also sometimes confined me. I remember in my teens , possibly 14 being taken to see a p'doc for depression. At 17 my maternal grandmother died suddenly and a long deep depressive illness followed. I also had strange highs and would be a daredevil taking great risks to my safety. I went to Uni and studied Sociology its then that huge deep depressions set in, i made few half hearted (though potentially fatal) suicide attempts , had my stomach pumped several times (which was made to be unpleasant to deter me from doing it again) and was admitted to psychiatric hospital several times. Nonetheless I achieved a 2:1 honours.
At uni I also started drinking heavily a grew a taste for it . I didn't know I was on the road to addiction.
I met my future wife at a party at the end of uni, went back West (where I lived) then came back East and we started living together. My moods shifted around but I used alcohol to level them. Pretty soon I was an alcoholic. I fled West and got into recovery and got 2 years clean. Then I came back and started a Masters Degree in Nursing. At first it went well but depressions came back and I was always playing catch up. I got very close to the finishing line passing all the placements. However on the penultimate placement I was put in a difficult position, I called for assistance with a patient but my mentor refused to attend (the alarm system didn't work - old hospital) I did what I could on my own with the patient's wife and daughter (with learning diss) watching him die in a particularly horrific way. After advice from the RCN I filled out an incident form outlining particularly how I was offered no assistance. The uni nor the trust helped in any way. No-one would talk to me on the placement, not even other students - I had only told those who needed to know. I was not pulled from the placement until the mentor refused to sign my Placement Book (which is very unusual). So I was sent to ITU instead. Here it was even worse, I was set out for special treatment - told to study in a small office instead of work on the word, was shouted at in front of other staff. My mentor would play games, on nights he asked me if I wanted to knock off early to catch a train home, (I faced an hour wait otherwise ) all students were doing it. The following night after telling a young female student to go early I asked and he shouted at me that I showed poor attitude in front of all again. He told me I was a good student and would pass with flying colours though I had to push him to share his skills. There was some issue with the skills book he wanted to finish marking it at home, he'd almost done it and so far my marks were above average. Then the university emailed me telling me he'd failed me on every single section of my skills book. I was going into breakdown and despite people telling me to grind to the end I jacked it in.
Later another death in the family put me into full breakdown again. This time symptoms were strange and extreme. Instead of depression I had what I now know to be mixed states. Extreme durations of adrenaline and energy, like riding on the front of a runaway train. They'd go on and on four hours on then off then four hours on again. This was ultradian cycling. I could not sleep nor could keep still , sitting down was impossible. I was on lithium for bipolar by then but it wasn't working. I sought assistance from CMHT but was stone walled . I "sacked" a psych nurse for refusing to believe I was also cycling just as fast in and out of depression. Despite requests from myself and a local advocacy I faced a wall of silence from CMHT for eight weeks. Eight weeks of hell with no assistance. I went to my GP who sent two letters requesting an emergency p'doc appointment, I even ended up in A&E where a very good Psych Nurse wrote another letter. No help was forthcoming so I started reading up in the few level sane hours I had in the day.I also conversed with Bipolar UK who advised me on aspects of mental health guidelines etc (that my trust wasn't following) they also gave me hope and kept my spirits up.I deduced my lithium levels were too low, blood results showed this. So I went to my GP and asked for an increase in dose. Despite not strictly having authority to do so without a p'doc's consent he complied. After a couple of weeks the symptoms just blew out like a candle . Actually they ceased quite abruptly in the doc's waiting room, I almost Felt them lift.
After eight weeks I got an appt with the p'doc who told me his diagnosis for me is Bipolar Affective Disorder Mixed Type. He also did some tweaking to further prevent symptoms, which has pretty much worked. I don't live in hell anymore. I also got a new care coordinator, a social worker fresh off a three month bridging course who was strange in the extreme. He gave me a two hour monologue followed by questions I thought related to Borderline Personality Disorder , I thought he was trying to diagnose. I was scared shitless and kept my mouth shut. I was completely baffled and rang Bipolar UK again who assured me he couldn't diagnose. Next time I saw him he gave another 2 hour monologue (no break) inferred psychiatry and pharmaceuticals were evil and ...Advised me to stop taking my medication. I reported this to my p'doc who said he'd request a report from CMHT ( a copy would be sent to me) and armed me with lots of facts and figures so I could shoot the cc down in flames, which I did.Six months or so on I've still not received any kind of report.
Not a happy story
However after nagging I now see a psychologist, and we're working on how I think - I'm a negative thinker. I continue to take my medication which is working well. I still get the odd blip but don't get mixed states. The spectrum of my disorder is narrowed to a space where I can live. I'm not back at work yet but feel I'll be ready to start looking soon. As a milestone in my recovery I've organized (surprisingly easily) for myself to kayak 24 miles down a local river in aid of Bipolar UK . Its important for me not just in gratitude but to prove to myself I can organize and Do something of my own volition. My self esteem has been knocked and much of the time I see myself as a failure. I need to prove to myself I can succeed in something. I feel well enough to do it.
At uni I also started drinking heavily a grew a taste for it . I didn't know I was on the road to addiction.
I met my future wife at a party at the end of uni, went back West (where I lived) then came back East and we started living together. My moods shifted around but I used alcohol to level them. Pretty soon I was an alcoholic. I fled West and got into recovery and got 2 years clean. Then I came back and started a Masters Degree in Nursing. At first it went well but depressions came back and I was always playing catch up. I got very close to the finishing line passing all the placements. However on the penultimate placement I was put in a difficult position, I called for assistance with a patient but my mentor refused to attend (the alarm system didn't work - old hospital) I did what I could on my own with the patient's wife and daughter (with learning diss) watching him die in a particularly horrific way. After advice from the RCN I filled out an incident form outlining particularly how I was offered no assistance. The uni nor the trust helped in any way. No-one would talk to me on the placement, not even other students - I had only told those who needed to know. I was not pulled from the placement until the mentor refused to sign my Placement Book (which is very unusual). So I was sent to ITU instead. Here it was even worse, I was set out for special treatment - told to study in a small office instead of work on the word, was shouted at in front of other staff. My mentor would play games, on nights he asked me if I wanted to knock off early to catch a train home, (I faced an hour wait otherwise ) all students were doing it. The following night after telling a young female student to go early I asked and he shouted at me that I showed poor attitude in front of all again. He told me I was a good student and would pass with flying colours though I had to push him to share his skills. There was some issue with the skills book he wanted to finish marking it at home, he'd almost done it and so far my marks were above average. Then the university emailed me telling me he'd failed me on every single section of my skills book. I was going into breakdown and despite people telling me to grind to the end I jacked it in.
Later another death in the family put me into full breakdown again. This time symptoms were strange and extreme. Instead of depression I had what I now know to be mixed states. Extreme durations of adrenaline and energy, like riding on the front of a runaway train. They'd go on and on four hours on then off then four hours on again. This was ultradian cycling. I could not sleep nor could keep still , sitting down was impossible. I was on lithium for bipolar by then but it wasn't working. I sought assistance from CMHT but was stone walled . I "sacked" a psych nurse for refusing to believe I was also cycling just as fast in and out of depression. Despite requests from myself and a local advocacy I faced a wall of silence from CMHT for eight weeks. Eight weeks of hell with no assistance. I went to my GP who sent two letters requesting an emergency p'doc appointment, I even ended up in A&E where a very good Psych Nurse wrote another letter. No help was forthcoming so I started reading up in the few level sane hours I had in the day.I also conversed with Bipolar UK who advised me on aspects of mental health guidelines etc (that my trust wasn't following) they also gave me hope and kept my spirits up.I deduced my lithium levels were too low, blood results showed this. So I went to my GP and asked for an increase in dose. Despite not strictly having authority to do so without a p'doc's consent he complied. After a couple of weeks the symptoms just blew out like a candle . Actually they ceased quite abruptly in the doc's waiting room, I almost Felt them lift.
After eight weeks I got an appt with the p'doc who told me his diagnosis for me is Bipolar Affective Disorder Mixed Type. He also did some tweaking to further prevent symptoms, which has pretty much worked. I don't live in hell anymore. I also got a new care coordinator, a social worker fresh off a three month bridging course who was strange in the extreme. He gave me a two hour monologue followed by questions I thought related to Borderline Personality Disorder , I thought he was trying to diagnose. I was scared shitless and kept my mouth shut. I was completely baffled and rang Bipolar UK again who assured me he couldn't diagnose. Next time I saw him he gave another 2 hour monologue (no break) inferred psychiatry and pharmaceuticals were evil and ...Advised me to stop taking my medication. I reported this to my p'doc who said he'd request a report from CMHT ( a copy would be sent to me) and armed me with lots of facts and figures so I could shoot the cc down in flames, which I did.Six months or so on I've still not received any kind of report.
Not a happy story
However after nagging I now see a psychologist, and we're working on how I think - I'm a negative thinker. I continue to take my medication which is working well. I still get the odd blip but don't get mixed states. The spectrum of my disorder is narrowed to a space where I can live. I'm not back at work yet but feel I'll be ready to start looking soon. As a milestone in my recovery I've organized (surprisingly easily) for myself to kayak 24 miles down a local river in aid of Bipolar UK . Its important for me not just in gratitude but to prove to myself I can organize and Do something of my own volition. My self esteem has been knocked and much of the time I see myself as a failure. I need to prove to myself I can succeed in something. I feel well enough to do it.