Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 22:37:47 GMT
Hi everyone. I’m Steve and I am 34. I suffer from depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder with traits of histrionic personality disorder. It’s quite a mouthful really!
It has affected all aspects of my adult life. From employment to romance. Relationships with family to social relationships it has stopped me from living the stereotypical normal, healthy life.
In this blog post I WILL NOT go into the causes of what caused me to be the person I am today as it is essentially irrelevant but I will describe how it affects me and the consequences.
I take some pretty hardcore meds to keep my mood stable and to aid my mood swings. This cocktail is the maximum dose of Escitalapram during the day and a biblical dosage of Lithium at night. If any of you have taken Lithium you will be able to testify that it hurts until you have got used to the dosage. Then after a blood test your Psychiatrist decides to stick the dosage up and then you are back to square 1. After a meeting with my Psychiatrist we have agreed to keep the dosage where it is in exchange for me not swearing at her anymore!
My mood used to be able to shift very easily by the minute. At one point I would be chatting to the wife about stuff and then I’d be bawling my eyes out and feeling totally worthless and at the depths of despair. Thanks to the Lithium that doesn’t happen much.
I really am my own worst enemy. Everyone has heard of the term self deprecation and what it means but trust me reader, whatever you think of me, if you think I am the biggest prick in the world I PROMISE YOU I feel a billion times worse about myself. Even when things go right I say to myself that I do not deserve it.
A big part of my condition is coping mechanism. I have some freaky shit going on in my head and I am not going to share as I have huge trust issues so please don’t ask me as my response usually offends. Anyway, when I find things are too much I tend to self harm. Not in a way that would hasten the end of my life (that’s already planned) but just to inflict pain on my self as I feel physical pain is far easier to deal with than mental pain.
I have told my Psychiatrist about what I do and although she isn’t thrilled about what I do she understands why I do it. Due to contractual obligations I am not at liberty to say what I do to myself and to be honest, I ain’t one for giving tips!!!
As part of the Histrionic Personality Disorder part of my condition things get a bit personal so please understand how hard it is to tell you strangers. The HPD traits I have is that I am constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY on the look out for acceptance and validation. I will go out of my way to be of assistance to anyone in a bid to get them to like me. This causes issues when I am in work as I will help people before I have completed my own work. I have even asked someone if I could help them knowing full well I couldn't help them but felt that I had to offer. If I am told my help isn't required my mood will crash and feel intense feelings of rejection.
With HPD I have noticed at times that I have said some rather inappropriate things, mainly to the ladies as with HPD, one of the traits is flirting and inappropriate behaviour. I am not going to expand as I there is no need. I'm sure you all have lovely imaginations.
Well thanks for reading. If you have any comments or questions, please get in touch.
It has affected all aspects of my adult life. From employment to romance. Relationships with family to social relationships it has stopped me from living the stereotypical normal, healthy life.
In this blog post I WILL NOT go into the causes of what caused me to be the person I am today as it is essentially irrelevant but I will describe how it affects me and the consequences.
I take some pretty hardcore meds to keep my mood stable and to aid my mood swings. This cocktail is the maximum dose of Escitalapram during the day and a biblical dosage of Lithium at night. If any of you have taken Lithium you will be able to testify that it hurts until you have got used to the dosage. Then after a blood test your Psychiatrist decides to stick the dosage up and then you are back to square 1. After a meeting with my Psychiatrist we have agreed to keep the dosage where it is in exchange for me not swearing at her anymore!
My mood used to be able to shift very easily by the minute. At one point I would be chatting to the wife about stuff and then I’d be bawling my eyes out and feeling totally worthless and at the depths of despair. Thanks to the Lithium that doesn’t happen much.
I really am my own worst enemy. Everyone has heard of the term self deprecation and what it means but trust me reader, whatever you think of me, if you think I am the biggest prick in the world I PROMISE YOU I feel a billion times worse about myself. Even when things go right I say to myself that I do not deserve it.
A big part of my condition is coping mechanism. I have some freaky shit going on in my head and I am not going to share as I have huge trust issues so please don’t ask me as my response usually offends. Anyway, when I find things are too much I tend to self harm. Not in a way that would hasten the end of my life (that’s already planned) but just to inflict pain on my self as I feel physical pain is far easier to deal with than mental pain.
I have told my Psychiatrist about what I do and although she isn’t thrilled about what I do she understands why I do it. Due to contractual obligations I am not at liberty to say what I do to myself and to be honest, I ain’t one for giving tips!!!
As part of the Histrionic Personality Disorder part of my condition things get a bit personal so please understand how hard it is to tell you strangers. The HPD traits I have is that I am constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY on the look out for acceptance and validation. I will go out of my way to be of assistance to anyone in a bid to get them to like me. This causes issues when I am in work as I will help people before I have completed my own work. I have even asked someone if I could help them knowing full well I couldn't help them but felt that I had to offer. If I am told my help isn't required my mood will crash and feel intense feelings of rejection.
With HPD I have noticed at times that I have said some rather inappropriate things, mainly to the ladies as with HPD, one of the traits is flirting and inappropriate behaviour. I am not going to expand as I there is no need. I'm sure you all have lovely imaginations.
Well thanks for reading. If you have any comments or questions, please get in touch.