Post by hope on Jul 25, 2013 6:13:11 GMT
Hi everyone.
I am going to keep my real name anonymous. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, in fact it has been the opposite. From the ages of about 3-17 I was a really self conscious person, I tried to be confident as much as possible but the truth is I was always trying to please people and as a result made myself look 'smaller'. To go along with this I was bullied throughout most of my education, I know I could have retaliated but I was always calm enough to just walk away. It wasn't nice but I managed to contain it all for a while. Around the age of 18-19 something extremely strange and scary happened.
I was slowly starting to get depressed and stressed. I didn't want to leave the house and in social occasions my brain and thoughts with slip into areas they had never gone before. I would usually be the kind of person who would be concentrating on everything I said or did to try and not 'mess up'. For some reason though I just started to become disgusted by things in life.
This might sound strange but I was getting depressed by noticing the way people would treat each and the way people would try and treat me. My brain started reaching a state where I was over analyzing everything. To me, people in life seemed like a disease, I focuses primarily on the negatives in life and they started to consume my personality. I was out one day and for some reason everything suddenly hit at once, it was like someone flipped a switch in my head. For the next few weeks after that I sat in my room for 3 weeks straight, didn't eat, hardly slept and just stayed on my laptop to shut my mind off from the 'real world'.
The disgust that I was aiming at other people slowly started to drift onto myself. I was unhappy with what I had achieved as I thought I was nothing (I was wrong). I was constantly wallowing in self pity and hating every aspect of myself. I had thoughts of taking my own life. It got close once but I'm not a selfish person, I wanted to do it but I'm not the kind of person who would leaved a huge scare on my family just because I was unhappy.
After some seriously hard work I managed to start going out the house, even if it was only for 10 minutes I would try and make the effort to get out. It was ok at first but then everything started to appear as it did before. I didn't realize during the time I was reflecting on myself in the house but something changed in that period.
I was strangely but quietly confident. As I mentioned before I wasn't one for confrontation (Even though I had been training to fight for a lot of years). One day someone started at me and I remained quiet. It is said that everyone gets the 'fight or flee' feeling at this point but I had no emotion whatsoever. The person was going on and on and on, the verbal abuse was fine, the moment they turned violent it was like my body had its own mind. I had a serious amount of rage and hate hit me at once, I was literally going to kill the person.
After that it was like a chain, I wasn't depressed. I was just hateful of everyone and everything around me. I was writing notes that I have still kept to help me from keeping this sort emotion away, they are seriously vile but they show me what I don't want to become.
The rage inside was building and building, I would constantly lash out or snap and people. I hated the world, everything about it. The way people are treated and the way people treat you. It was turning more sporadic, to things like how we have to listen to what a few people want to say (Government) even though they are the same as everyone as well.
I don't want to go into further detail but you can get the point. I still get the feelings sometimes now but I just literally joke my head off nowadays to keep all the thoughts out my head.
They are still there and trust me they aren't nice. Some of the thoughts I get are seriously dark but I can control is really well now.
This isn't a little cry for some sympathy. I'm just sharing it so if anyone has the same as me then they can no they aren't the only one.
Thanks..
I am going to keep my real name anonymous. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, in fact it has been the opposite. From the ages of about 3-17 I was a really self conscious person, I tried to be confident as much as possible but the truth is I was always trying to please people and as a result made myself look 'smaller'. To go along with this I was bullied throughout most of my education, I know I could have retaliated but I was always calm enough to just walk away. It wasn't nice but I managed to contain it all for a while. Around the age of 18-19 something extremely strange and scary happened.
I was slowly starting to get depressed and stressed. I didn't want to leave the house and in social occasions my brain and thoughts with slip into areas they had never gone before. I would usually be the kind of person who would be concentrating on everything I said or did to try and not 'mess up'. For some reason though I just started to become disgusted by things in life.
This might sound strange but I was getting depressed by noticing the way people would treat each and the way people would try and treat me. My brain started reaching a state where I was over analyzing everything. To me, people in life seemed like a disease, I focuses primarily on the negatives in life and they started to consume my personality. I was out one day and for some reason everything suddenly hit at once, it was like someone flipped a switch in my head. For the next few weeks after that I sat in my room for 3 weeks straight, didn't eat, hardly slept and just stayed on my laptop to shut my mind off from the 'real world'.
The disgust that I was aiming at other people slowly started to drift onto myself. I was unhappy with what I had achieved as I thought I was nothing (I was wrong). I was constantly wallowing in self pity and hating every aspect of myself. I had thoughts of taking my own life. It got close once but I'm not a selfish person, I wanted to do it but I'm not the kind of person who would leaved a huge scare on my family just because I was unhappy.
After some seriously hard work I managed to start going out the house, even if it was only for 10 minutes I would try and make the effort to get out. It was ok at first but then everything started to appear as it did before. I didn't realize during the time I was reflecting on myself in the house but something changed in that period.
I was strangely but quietly confident. As I mentioned before I wasn't one for confrontation (Even though I had been training to fight for a lot of years). One day someone started at me and I remained quiet. It is said that everyone gets the 'fight or flee' feeling at this point but I had no emotion whatsoever. The person was going on and on and on, the verbal abuse was fine, the moment they turned violent it was like my body had its own mind. I had a serious amount of rage and hate hit me at once, I was literally going to kill the person.
After that it was like a chain, I wasn't depressed. I was just hateful of everyone and everything around me. I was writing notes that I have still kept to help me from keeping this sort emotion away, they are seriously vile but they show me what I don't want to become.
The rage inside was building and building, I would constantly lash out or snap and people. I hated the world, everything about it. The way people are treated and the way people treat you. It was turning more sporadic, to things like how we have to listen to what a few people want to say (Government) even though they are the same as everyone as well.
I don't want to go into further detail but you can get the point. I still get the feelings sometimes now but I just literally joke my head off nowadays to keep all the thoughts out my head.
They are still there and trust me they aren't nice. Some of the thoughts I get are seriously dark but I can control is really well now.
This isn't a little cry for some sympathy. I'm just sharing it so if anyone has the same as me then they can no they aren't the only one.
Thanks..