Post by leanne on Jul 24, 2013 21:41:05 GMT
So, im 15 years ol a baby mysekf, yet im having a baby.
Was I happy yes I was exstatic to be honest, Finally some one to love me for who I am not what I am or can give. See Ive never really had that before, and if I did I coukdnt rember it, see 2 years ago before this I had taken my first overdose and was self halming to the point I was prod of whatbi was doing. (Yes, I know it is nothing to be proud of). I thiught this is finally the start of becoming me.....I was about to find out how wrong I was.
So her I was 15 and pregnant, frightened to hell on what my mom was going to say as she always told me if I ever got prgnant underage, I would be straight out of the door. For weeks I was trying to figure out how I was going to tell untill my hNd was forced. I had gotten in to yet another fight with a younger sibbling and had been kicked in the stumach. And in that instant I fekt an over whelming urge of protection for the little life growing inside of me.ni was a werck couldnt stop crying at the though of what coukd go wrong with such a blow. I cried I screamed I got angry, and started screaming at every on to stay away from me else I would kill them if they hurt me again, then came the question "are you pregnant" my mother fired back, yes yes I am, therse it was I had said it too late to turn back. I knew I was ffeling ill again as id had highs and lows for as long as I could remember. Then I was questioned about the babys farther, my mum must have known my repky because she told me his name after I told her I wasnt telling. So as she was friends with his mother it all spilled out, not in the way I had discussed woth her at all, I told her I was going to tell people about my baby.
So after getting the prgnancy confirmed, guess who we should see at the bus stop, her......and my mum blurted it all out "your going to be a nan again" she announced. And therebi was cowering being order back to her place to face the music.....typically they had a house fuul, and I refused to go inside, he waz taken out of the house to be told I just sat on a cold wall out in the cold by myself for hours, untill he finally came back. I didnt get the best reception being told I was a liar adn he wouldnt go near me with a barge pole ect, but I know I was right he was the only one I had ever been woth so there was no one else. Apparently I must have done some u thinkable things to him to have been pregnant with his baby, all of corse untrue..
May would have run for the hills, but as out familys where so close I still had to see them and visit there house on numerous occasions. He had gone away to get away from me apparently. Eventually I stopped going I didnt want them to be oart if the babys life, his sisters ect I didnt mind so much as they all suppourted me said they know I was telling the truth, I had come to the conclusion just because he didnt want to part of my abys life didnt mean they had to suffer too.
My pregnancy progressed I prepared long and hard for th baby to the point I was scrubbing a 3bed house top to bottom daily, even cleaning litter trays wich is not reccomended for pregnancy, as id not had the best chikdhood and wanted my child to have the best start possible. Things started to go well, untill my mom decided to drop a bomb on me to say we where being eveicted from our home just 14 days before my due date, we where offered temporary accomodation but my mother decided not to take it, so instead I ended up at his mothers house (the babys dad). For love or money I didnt want to be there, I had suffered a fair amount of abbuse from the babys dad as he was still addimant the baby wasnt his.
So I arrived my "home" for next how ever long...I wasnt greated to a brilliant reception as you would imagine I wasnt exsactly welcome. All his friends where there I heard the whispers look there she is the one that says it mine, oh lokk its the slag ect blah. Im sure u get the picture. But I had no other choise I was just 16 at this point due to give birth and no home, where else could I go, I had keart to hide the torment I had inside that and even being afraid to speak some days I just sat thinking and thinking wishing for better, but better wasnt coming I had to escape but I couldnt I was a child having a child I needed my mom, she wasnt there they where both too busy on internet chat rooms chatting up men till the small hours of the morning, I was left too it, I felt my other sibbling got the best of every thing, yet I was the skivvy goign the shoos all the time some times 3 4 times a day, what did I do wrong to make people treat me this way had I done something wrong was I a horrible person, just to make life easire I put up and shut up what other option did I have, the truth is I didnt have a option I was trapped.ma chile living in an adult world one I wasnt orepared for in any way. But again I had no other option. I had to stick it out.
So my due date was here and still jo sign of my little one so took a walk not far but thought it may help things move along as I was hugely uncomfortable and just wanted my baby here, during this time the babys farther had had a change of heart and decided to tell the truthe he knew all along the baby was his, so I foolishly let him become part of my longer tearm pkans, not going in to a realtio ship but to be a supportive as we could for our child, to try and do the right thing, so I got where I was going and to my horror discovered I had had a bleed, I knew this was a bad sign so the next thi g I knew I was off in to hospital where they decided I was going to stay untill the baby was born, they started me on an iduction to force on the labout if you like, I was agai alone and scared in the hospital my mother was no where to be seen, had gone off for a dirty weekend with some one she hadmet of the internet who would later beacome her husband, she was fi ally told to say "are you sure your notbleeding from your back end you never know" again Iinsinuating I was looking for attention, my babys life was in danger I wanted my mother and she was saying this, I broke down I hid in the shower as drained my teaars in the wash so to speak.
I had to be strong my baby was coming and it needed me like nothing has ever been needed before I had to pull this together I got washed and dressed 5 days later and I had finally gone in to labour, I had no visitors really no phone calls, I was gutted having a baby is supposed to be one of the best times of your life yet I felt it was another thing I was failing on.
Here I was in full blown labour to be dismissed ill be okay I was told your not in labour yet I couldnt move I was in agony yet I was told to pull it together, for them to listen to me I litterally wet my self I coukdnt get off the bed to go the toilet, I was finally examined to be told I was almost 8cm and needed to get to delivery fast, before I knew it the bay was here, she healthy and happy yet I was deflated, grandparents where arguing who was doi g the dressing the feeding, yet I wanted too do it but again another decision that was taken out of my hand too afraid to speak I let the carry on, I had toat and tea brought to me as by this point it was breakfast time they ate my breakfast drank my tea and left, yes they keft me with a newborn no idea what I was doing beacause they where tired, so I was I but I didnt complai yet I could feel the black smog getting thicker and darker, by day 2 I still had no visitor so even though I knew I wasnt ready I discharged myself hoping to go haome and be a little pampered, it didnt happen, I was sent to the shop.....every one else refused to go I had just given birth and wanted to get to know my baby but yet it was back to normal me doing the shopping while the adults sat round and did nothing, the shop wasnt far but as I had torn as my labour was so fast I couldnt walk at I was in dire agony but I had to go I couldnt eve take the baby with me.....this is where I started feeling I wasnt good enough I failed, I felt I wasnt trusted by the people around me to take my baby out alone, my slef halm was urging me do what I would nrmal do and reach for the knife but I knew I coukdnt I shouldnt...I didnt but I was so close the baby kept me going I knew I had to be strong for her sake. She needed me.
I withdrew in to myelf putting my mKe up an doing my hair creating a barrier for people to think I was okay when inside I was dieing for some one to tell me it was okzy, I was doing a good job, hut I was constantly told what to and I couldnt find that strenth tontell them I knew what I was doing I couldnt hold her I was allowed to do the usuall feed change wind and straight back down, I felt no bond at all I was losing control. I fainally admited to my heath visitor how I was feeling and she helped me get a place of my own and treatment for my postnatal. Im going to end here as I know this is long I will post a seperate blog on my recover the up the downs and how I fell about it now in the next few day
Thank you for reading take care and do feel free to ask questions ect
Many thanks again leanne xx and just remeber even though your feeling low wont mean you feel like it forever
Was I happy yes I was exstatic to be honest, Finally some one to love me for who I am not what I am or can give. See Ive never really had that before, and if I did I coukdnt rember it, see 2 years ago before this I had taken my first overdose and was self halming to the point I was prod of whatbi was doing. (Yes, I know it is nothing to be proud of). I thiught this is finally the start of becoming me.....I was about to find out how wrong I was.
So her I was 15 and pregnant, frightened to hell on what my mom was going to say as she always told me if I ever got prgnant underage, I would be straight out of the door. For weeks I was trying to figure out how I was going to tell untill my hNd was forced. I had gotten in to yet another fight with a younger sibbling and had been kicked in the stumach. And in that instant I fekt an over whelming urge of protection for the little life growing inside of me.ni was a werck couldnt stop crying at the though of what coukd go wrong with such a blow. I cried I screamed I got angry, and started screaming at every on to stay away from me else I would kill them if they hurt me again, then came the question "are you pregnant" my mother fired back, yes yes I am, therse it was I had said it too late to turn back. I knew I was ffeling ill again as id had highs and lows for as long as I could remember. Then I was questioned about the babys farther, my mum must have known my repky because she told me his name after I told her I wasnt telling. So as she was friends with his mother it all spilled out, not in the way I had discussed woth her at all, I told her I was going to tell people about my baby.
So after getting the prgnancy confirmed, guess who we should see at the bus stop, her......and my mum blurted it all out "your going to be a nan again" she announced. And therebi was cowering being order back to her place to face the music.....typically they had a house fuul, and I refused to go inside, he waz taken out of the house to be told I just sat on a cold wall out in the cold by myself for hours, untill he finally came back. I didnt get the best reception being told I was a liar adn he wouldnt go near me with a barge pole ect, but I know I was right he was the only one I had ever been woth so there was no one else. Apparently I must have done some u thinkable things to him to have been pregnant with his baby, all of corse untrue..
May would have run for the hills, but as out familys where so close I still had to see them and visit there house on numerous occasions. He had gone away to get away from me apparently. Eventually I stopped going I didnt want them to be oart if the babys life, his sisters ect I didnt mind so much as they all suppourted me said they know I was telling the truth, I had come to the conclusion just because he didnt want to part of my abys life didnt mean they had to suffer too.
My pregnancy progressed I prepared long and hard for th baby to the point I was scrubbing a 3bed house top to bottom daily, even cleaning litter trays wich is not reccomended for pregnancy, as id not had the best chikdhood and wanted my child to have the best start possible. Things started to go well, untill my mom decided to drop a bomb on me to say we where being eveicted from our home just 14 days before my due date, we where offered temporary accomodation but my mother decided not to take it, so instead I ended up at his mothers house (the babys dad). For love or money I didnt want to be there, I had suffered a fair amount of abbuse from the babys dad as he was still addimant the baby wasnt his.
So I arrived my "home" for next how ever long...I wasnt greated to a brilliant reception as you would imagine I wasnt exsactly welcome. All his friends where there I heard the whispers look there she is the one that says it mine, oh lokk its the slag ect blah. Im sure u get the picture. But I had no other choise I was just 16 at this point due to give birth and no home, where else could I go, I had keart to hide the torment I had inside that and even being afraid to speak some days I just sat thinking and thinking wishing for better, but better wasnt coming I had to escape but I couldnt I was a child having a child I needed my mom, she wasnt there they where both too busy on internet chat rooms chatting up men till the small hours of the morning, I was left too it, I felt my other sibbling got the best of every thing, yet I was the skivvy goign the shoos all the time some times 3 4 times a day, what did I do wrong to make people treat me this way had I done something wrong was I a horrible person, just to make life easire I put up and shut up what other option did I have, the truth is I didnt have a option I was trapped.ma chile living in an adult world one I wasnt orepared for in any way. But again I had no other option. I had to stick it out.
So my due date was here and still jo sign of my little one so took a walk not far but thought it may help things move along as I was hugely uncomfortable and just wanted my baby here, during this time the babys farther had had a change of heart and decided to tell the truthe he knew all along the baby was his, so I foolishly let him become part of my longer tearm pkans, not going in to a realtio ship but to be a supportive as we could for our child, to try and do the right thing, so I got where I was going and to my horror discovered I had had a bleed, I knew this was a bad sign so the next thi g I knew I was off in to hospital where they decided I was going to stay untill the baby was born, they started me on an iduction to force on the labout if you like, I was agai alone and scared in the hospital my mother was no where to be seen, had gone off for a dirty weekend with some one she hadmet of the internet who would later beacome her husband, she was fi ally told to say "are you sure your notbleeding from your back end you never know" again Iinsinuating I was looking for attention, my babys life was in danger I wanted my mother and she was saying this, I broke down I hid in the shower as drained my teaars in the wash so to speak.
I had to be strong my baby was coming and it needed me like nothing has ever been needed before I had to pull this together I got washed and dressed 5 days later and I had finally gone in to labour, I had no visitors really no phone calls, I was gutted having a baby is supposed to be one of the best times of your life yet I felt it was another thing I was failing on.
Here I was in full blown labour to be dismissed ill be okay I was told your not in labour yet I couldnt move I was in agony yet I was told to pull it together, for them to listen to me I litterally wet my self I coukdnt get off the bed to go the toilet, I was finally examined to be told I was almost 8cm and needed to get to delivery fast, before I knew it the bay was here, she healthy and happy yet I was deflated, grandparents where arguing who was doi g the dressing the feeding, yet I wanted too do it but again another decision that was taken out of my hand too afraid to speak I let the carry on, I had toat and tea brought to me as by this point it was breakfast time they ate my breakfast drank my tea and left, yes they keft me with a newborn no idea what I was doing beacause they where tired, so I was I but I didnt complai yet I could feel the black smog getting thicker and darker, by day 2 I still had no visitor so even though I knew I wasnt ready I discharged myself hoping to go haome and be a little pampered, it didnt happen, I was sent to the shop.....every one else refused to go I had just given birth and wanted to get to know my baby but yet it was back to normal me doing the shopping while the adults sat round and did nothing, the shop wasnt far but as I had torn as my labour was so fast I couldnt walk at I was in dire agony but I had to go I couldnt eve take the baby with me.....this is where I started feeling I wasnt good enough I failed, I felt I wasnt trusted by the people around me to take my baby out alone, my slef halm was urging me do what I would nrmal do and reach for the knife but I knew I coukdnt I shouldnt...I didnt but I was so close the baby kept me going I knew I had to be strong for her sake. She needed me.
I withdrew in to myelf putting my mKe up an doing my hair creating a barrier for people to think I was okay when inside I was dieing for some one to tell me it was okzy, I was doing a good job, hut I was constantly told what to and I couldnt find that strenth tontell them I knew what I was doing I couldnt hold her I was allowed to do the usuall feed change wind and straight back down, I felt no bond at all I was losing control. I fainally admited to my heath visitor how I was feeling and she helped me get a place of my own and treatment for my postnatal. Im going to end here as I know this is long I will post a seperate blog on my recover the up the downs and how I fell about it now in the next few day
Thank you for reading take care and do feel free to ask questions ect
Many thanks again leanne xx and just remeber even though your feeling low wont mean you feel like it forever