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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:06:21 GMT
6 Long days, 144 long, painful hours and my baby boy has arrived. I'm holding him the best I could with wires, tubes and cannulas hanging out of manmade orifices in my arms and hands. 'Come on Keeley, we're going to start walking again today' said Amy, my midwife. I'm surrounded by cards, pictures and bags of gifts, I thought to myself, I should be happy now, but I'm not. Why? Is this normal? Maybe every new parent feels like this? Maybe it's because I've not slept in 7 days. On the long struggle to to bathroom learning to use the dangly things at the bottom of my body again, the burning sensation I got in my lower abdomen every time I tried to take a 'normal' step. Maybe having a C section wasn't the best Idea, but my boy wasn't coming out any other way!
3am feed again, another nappy change and another feed. I should be used to this by now after doing this two weeks. The Health visitor is due again today, I need to talk to her. 'I think I may have a touch of Post natal Depression' I said. 'You can't be depressed, you're up and dressed, depressed people sit in bed all day in their dressing gowns' she said. Another ignorant woman who use the stereotypical views on people with mental health issues I thought. After 10 years of torture from depression, I think I know when I am depressed.
'Please stop crying, please STOP CRYING. JUST GO TO SLEEP STOP FUCKING CRYING' I said. The crying continued. Maybe if I leave he might stop crying I thought. He doesn't love me, I thought.
Callum, Why are their dirty pictures of your ex in your emails? Am I not good enough for you now I've had a baby? Isit because I'm fat and struggle to have sex? ITS HER OR ME I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE THAT BITCH WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO HER. I TOLD YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP IT'S HER OR ME. YOU CHOSE ME, I shouted. Aggressively. Flailing my arms in the air with tears streaming down my face. I'M LEAVING I AM PACKING MY BAGS AND GOING. YOU DON'T WANT ME, HE DOESN'T LOVE ME, making a gesture towards my son.
STOP FUCKING CRYING, PLEASE STOP FUCKING CRYING STTTTTOPPPPPPPPPPPP WWWWWWWWIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTHHHHH TTTTTTHEEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCRRYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGG I screetched very loudly.
Another day full of visitors and friends, people who came to see my little family. Yet I felt, alone. A phonecall? My doctor? 'Hello Keeley, Doctor Matthews here, your mother has asked me to call you as she is very concerned about your mental health, are you ok?' In this instant, I broke down. I cried and said - 'No, no I'm not. I feel so low, so sad, so depressed. I want to run away, my son doesn't love me and I cannot help but scream and cry.' 'Sounds like you have post natal depression Keeley, Is your partner there? May I speak with him?'. All I could hear we're Callums responses. 'Yes, Yes, No, Yes, a little, yes'. He then diagnosed me with Postpartum psychosis. Prescribed me 25 mg citalopram and CBT.
We're moving? REALLY? A 2 BEDROOM PROPERTY? OH MY GOODNESS. ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.
JUST FUCKING SLEEP. PLEASE STOP THE CRYING, JUST FUCKING SLEEP SSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP I screetched and cried. WHY WON'T HE FUCKING SLEEP, STOP FIGHTING IT AND GIVE IN JUST SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! PLEASE JUST FUCKING GO TO SLEEP PLEASE. I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE. If I go, I won't need to deal with this anymore. If I was to die, I wouldn't be a problem for anyone, he would have a much better life and I wouldn't be a burden on anyone anymore. I should do this. The uncontrollable sobbing begins.
It's the night before Christmas eve, once again the crying starts. I had tried everything in my power to stop him from crying. My aunt bursts through the door, DO SOMETHING, STOP HIM FROM CRYING?! she said. DON'T YOU THINK I'VE FUCKING TRIED I shouted. I sit there, and cry uncontrollably again.
YOUR FUCKING MAD IN THE HEAD YOU ARE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU NEED TO SEE A FUCKIN' HEAD DOCTOR, YOUR A FUCKING LUNATIC. My mum shouted. I'm sat in the kitchen, sobbing uncontrollably again. My grandad arrives, wrapping his arms around me, I felt like a little girl again. There's nothing wrong with you he said. Your nan went through this too he said. You'll be fine I promise.
Why doesn't he love me? Why does my son hate me so much? What have I done, where did I go wrong? This is all my fault, I'm an awful parent. I shouldn't be alive, I can't give him a life, I can't even leave my home on my own. I can't look after him on my own. I'm not a mum. I'm a failure. I should be dead. I'm a shit mum. Why is Callum still with me? Why does he still love me? There's nothing to love. I'm fat, Nasty, A shit mum, I have too many problems. I am a burden on everyone. I can't cope. I need to leave. I need to go so everyone can have a better life because I won't be here. I make everything wrong. I am the problem and if I leave, there won't be a problem.
Another argument with Callum, I've gone out, I've arrived home to a note and an empty house. The note read; I'm sorry Keeley, but I cannot do this anymore, I have to leave and I have taken our son with me. I love you and I am sorry but I have to do it. I called my mum, in hysterics I've reeled off the note to her. She shouts at me FOR FUCK SAKE KEELEY YOU FUCKED IT UP LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING NOW. THIS IS YOUR FAULT AGAIN! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP? I've walked and walked and walked, I've spoken to the police, The police come out, they speak to me, they speak to Callum. Callum's mum calls, and asks if she can drop our son home whilst the police talk to Callum. I asked her to bring him up after my mum had left. My mum shouts at me more, in my living room this time. YOUR A FAILURE, YOU CANT EVEN KEEP A JOB OR A FAMILY. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHERE THE FUCK DID I GO WRONG? I MAY ASWELL END IT ALL NOW. Yet again I find myself wrestling a knife out of my mums hand and asking her to leave my home.
I CAN PROVE TO YOU CALLUM I PROMISE, I WILL DO ANYTHING TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I CAN BE NORMAL AGAIN, I CAN CHANGE I PROMISE, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. I CAN CHANGE. PLEASE. LOOK I WILL EVEN PROVE THIS TO YOU NOW I CAN GO OUT ON MY OWN. LOOK. SEE. 45 minutes pass. I WENT OUT ON MY OWN, TO TOWN ON ONE OF THE BUSIEST DAYS POSSIBLE TO PROVE TO YOU I CAN DO IT, YES I HAD A MAJOR PANIC ATTACK BUT I'M GETTING HELP FOR THAT NOW, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME MY LIFE IS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. PLEASE. DON'T LEAVE ME. Please, my words trail off into blubbering mutters.
Shortly after this I started receiving help from CBT which really helped my depression. These are just little snippets of my life with PPP/PPND. I haven't ever shared this information with anyone other than those who were there for me and knew what was happening and why it was happening. So this is a really big step. The thoughts were so erratic and aggressive, but so depressive and down putting. I had these thoughts of 18 months. Very difficult to deal with and once you're there, it's very difficult to get out of. But also I added in there the parts that alot of you will be able to relate to with the words we hate being called! I feel safe posting this story to you guys because I know you will not judge me on my thoughts and actions.
Xx.
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Post by Bex on Jul 24, 2013 20:10:37 GMT
Hey Keeley,
I added Trigger Warning to the title, just in case! It's an incredible story that's so moving, I want to make sure everyone is comfortable before they read it. You should definitely do some more of these just for the blog, you tell it so beautifully and I'm sure many people can relate.
Well done Kiwi for being so brave and telling your story. Hopefully many more will now too.
Bex x
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:15:50 GMT
Wowzer. That was very difficult to read. I couldn't read till the end. I hope you are getting better each and every day.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:25:17 GMT
Thank you bex! I think the trigger warning is for the best! And Thank you Steve, I am now 'fully recovered' from the PPND/PPP, just need to get the rest done now aha. But Thank you so much for your support! It means alot. Also I just want to state that the part in which callums ex's dirty pictures were found. I knew they were there - And they were old but unable to be deleted because of the shite laptop we had at the time. But I ended up making such a huge thing out of it BECAUSE i was in an episode. But that certainly was one of the most memorable moments. As it was my first episode. Also - I want to just state that Callum WAS there throughout everything but things did get very difficult for him as raising a child and dealing with me at the same time really was not easy and I can fully understand that. The depression very much put our relationship under pressure but we are still together now and are planning our wedding for December 21st next year. x
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:25:22 GMT
Thank you bex! I think the trigger warning is for the best! And Thank you Steve, I am now 'fully recovered' from the PPND/PPP, just need to get the rest done now aha. But Thank you so much for your support! It means alot. Also I just want to state that the part in which callums ex's dirty pictures were found. I knew they were there - And they were old but unable to be deleted because of the shite laptop we had at the time. But I ended up making such a huge thing out of it BECAUSE i was in an episode. But that certainly was one of the most memorable moments. As it was my first episode. Also - I want to just state that Callum WAS there throughout everything but things did get very difficult for him as raising a child and dealing with me at the same time really was not easy and I can fully understand that. The depression very much put our relationship under pressure but we are still together now and are planning our wedding for December 21st next year. x
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:27:21 GMT
Wow, this made me want to cry. Maybe because I can see so much of myself in this. Well done, Kiwi, for writing this. You're very articulate.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:29:13 GMT
I am so sorry it made you want to cry! That is not what this blog was designed for!! But Thank you for taking the time to read it, and thank you for the compliment Feel free to message me at anytime if you fancy a chat xx
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iza
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Post by iza on Jul 24, 2013 20:34:12 GMT
Keeley... This must have been so horrifying... To feel like that day in day out... day AND night for 18 months non stop. I felt it was too much too take in during the five minutes I was reading about it yet alone having these thoughts in my head as long as you did. I am so truly sorry that you had to go through that. I am truly sad that it was not given to you to enjoy the happiness and fulfillment of most fresh parents. It was taken away from you by Post Natal Depression. You blamed yourself so badly, others blamed you so badly... yet the fact was that it was serious sickness all along. Illness = NOT YOUR FAULT , YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF IT , THE SUFFERER, THE FIGHTER. And oh my God You fought! I just cannot imagine how hard it was to face it but despite that You did it Girl! You should be so proud of yourself! Your son, once he is old enough to know, will be proud of you too. 'Mummy fought to share happiness with me against an illness not many can win with. She did it for me.' I think that is one of the biggest proves of motherly love you could ever give your son. It was so much easier for you to just 'be gone, run away or something'. Staying and fighting was the difficult part. And you chose to do it for your son and your little family. Good choice Hun, not an easy one though... So be proud of yourself! :-) Lots of love! - Iza
PS: How is Your son now, is he ok? :-)
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Post by leanne on Jul 24, 2013 20:38:27 GMT
Wow thats some powerfull stuff right there, I can relatd to alot of it tbh, I know we are not all the same but I do see simmilaritys I shall get my story oosted up soon xx well done Keeley your doing an amazing job x
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:45:34 GMT
Omg Iza! Your comment made me bawl my eyesballs out, but in a good way! I had NEVER looked at fighting that illness in that way before! EVER. Thank you for opening my eyes to that. And my son is fine, turns out the whole he wasn't sleeping and he was crying - He was teething!! And they were coming through in pairs hence the crying and not sleeping from him! He turns three in september xx Thank you Leanne! I will look forward to reading your blog xx
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 20:49:22 GMT
No, it's not a bad thing that you made me want to cry, you spoke to me, I felt your pain. Too often us new mothers dismiss it as normal, we feel that we deserve these feelings because we're "bad mothers". A lot of us have to be shocked into admitting we have a problem. For me it was shouting at my son for him to shut up yo point where he burst into tears. Then I said to my partner "I'm not well, am I?".
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iza
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Post by iza on Jul 24, 2013 20:52:59 GMT
Keeley! Sometimes it is difficult to mentally 'go out of your body, stand next to it and look at it from a perspective of someone else'. That's why it was not so visible for you to notice the real meaning of this battle and your role in it. I just read it and looked at it from just 'next to you' and your courage and strength amazed me. This was the first thing that I realized! Your dedication... I really don't know how I would manage being in your position... I truly don't Hun. I'm so happy for you, your healthy little boy and Callum! I'm sure you are a lovely little family and all you wnet through has just made you stronger and will continue doing it for years... Good luck on that happy road! :-)
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Post by annette27 on Aug 10, 2013 14:20:49 GMT
Wow I was crying at this coz I wen throw it whit 2 kids in the end my 2 kids got a new mum and dad and now I beat my self up about that coz I could and should have done more
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2013 7:56:51 GMT
Good Morning Annette,
I am very sorry that you had to experience such extreme circumstances. Please understand that when you are suffering with a mental Health Illness, you cannot always do more than you already are, especially when it comes to PPP/PND. This is mostly misdiagnosed for 'the baby blues' or goes completely undiagnosed.
Please feel free to message me at any point Annette, I am always around. I am the ambassador of Post Natal Depression but also a MLOfficer.
keeley@mindslikeours.co.uk
Keeley x
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